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In my head: You suck. You are the suckiest person who has ever walked amongst mortals. I know! You are a blithering idiot. I know! No one does things like this! I KNOW! Will you just effing lay off already? No, because you totally don’t deserve it. I know! Wallow, pathetic, sniveling, fallible human. Anyone can make a mistake, you know. Not like this one! I know! AAAAaaaaaaah, shut up! No, because you don’t deserve it! Wallow! Wallow, I say!

For starters. Me, Myself and I are in rare form this morning.

In the Cup: Seattle’s Best level 3 with a splash of Almond Milk.

Currently Playing: The soundtrack of insanity described above. I can’t afford any further distractions on top of the voices in my head – between the characters in Mighty Knights, the ones in 1800 Days (yes, they’re still there!) and Me, Myself and I it’s a miracle I can string together two coherent thoughts.

Daily Run: 3 miles, 9 minute miles.

On the Desk: Mighty Knights and Female Biography Project

On the Nightstand: “Fiddler on the Roof” script. Ohhh, the irony!

BPal of the Day: Les Infortunes de la Vertu. Or Sin.  Either would be apropos in my current state of mortification.

So, guess what, Dear Reader? I suck. Picture Mr. Rogers, in his sweet little cardy, looking directly at you with that big smile and saying, “Can you say “self-recrimination”, children? Sure you can.”

Yeah, you probably already got that. So, here’s the deal: yesterday was a totally average day. I woke up at 4:00, did a run thing, knocked back some coffee, wrote a bit, got washed, dressed and ready for work, got the kids up and around, dropped the youngest off at daycare, and headed to work. Where I proceeded to handle a lot of paperwork – setting up my electronic gradebook, entering grades, writing recommendations due at the end of the week, trying to sort out the SAT Prep schedule. During my planning period I even got my daughter’s Girl Scouts uniform ordered AND I typed up those damned minutes, at last.

(Yes, the ones I meant to handle last week)

(But, since they’re not technically needed until next week it’s fine.)

(Ego butting in: But you thought they were due today when you did them yesterday.)

(Oh, shut up, I feel bad enough already.)

(That last comment was directed at my ego, not you guys reading this post)

ANYHOW – suffice to say, I blitzed through a lot of stuff I was supposed to take care of. But then I looked down at my clock and realized it was after four and I needed to pick up the girls and get my workout in and get dinner on the table. So, I made an executive decision to turn my lesson plans in tomorrow(which promptly made me feel guilty, but whatever, it was OK because “Fiddler” rehearsals were starting on the 9th and I was excited enough about that to be OK with a little guilt.)

I jumped in the car, went home, got changed, went to the Y and got my workout in (because you know, tomorrow night I had rehearsal so I wouldn’t be able to do that) and then picked up the girls. DH was working late, covering a meeting. So the girls and I went to the store to get the ingredients for green juice. We stopped at Subway on the way home. We watched an episode of She-Ra together.  In other words – it was a totally normal evening. Then, I popped on line and started mucking about in Facebook. I was just preparing to log off and do some evening writing when my eye glanced down at the little clock at the bottom of the screen.

Guess WHAT? YESTERDAY was the 9th.

I’m just going to re-post (removing the names, of course)the Facebook discussion that ensued after I called the director’s cell phone at 8:10 p.m. on the first night of the first rehearsal which started at 6 p.m. to leave an incoherently garbled message about how awful I was and how I am going to rot for all eternity in the fiery pits of I-can’t-believe-I-missed-the-first-rehearsal-and-I swear-I’m-not-a-dingbat, because it expresses the rest of my evening so much better than I could possibly re-write it for you here:

Melissa Ridley Elmes

NOOOOOOOOOOO! NO NO NO NO NO! Tomorrow is not the 9th. Today is the 9th. HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT? I am the suckiest sucky person who ever walked the face of the earth, ever. I spent all week memorizing my lines for the 9th. I was SO EXCITED about the 9th. I couldn’t wait for it to start. And today is the 9th. I just missed my first rehearsal! I hate myself right now. Hate, loathe, despise, abhor, and detest myself right now. I Suuuuuuuuuuuuuck! And since none of you will be brutally cruel enough to say it, I’m going to: “You dumb bitch, why didn’t you look at your planner?” “I knooooooooow! I suckl” WHO DOESN’T CHECK THEIR PLANNER? You know who never checks a calendar? MY MOTHER, that’s who never checks a damned calendar.

Oh, my god. I’m my mother. I missed my first rehearsal, AND I am my mother. This is the worst night of my life.

9 hours ago

    • First Responder:I leave for Ireland tomorrow, which is the 10th, so today is definitely the 9th.

      9 hours ago ·

    • Second Responder: Oh no – but, you have an ALMOST complete draft to show for it, right. Such a productive weekend means you totally lost track of the days. But, you’re right – you suck! NOT!! You’ll be that much more prepared for the next rehearsal and you’ll be there – no doubt!!

      9 hours ago ·

    • Me: Pardon me while I have a minor existential crisis.

      9 hours ago ·

    • First Responder Again:Minor existential crisis? To be or… to be a little bit?

      9 hours ago ·

    • Me:There is NO EXCUSE for me to have missed this rehearsal. NONE. I HATE MYSELF!!!!

      9 hours ago ·

    • Third Responder:I think I’d hate myself more for being my mother than for missing the rehearsal…

      9 hours ago ·

    • Me: I even practiced facial expressions and hand gestures. I was so excited to start this show!! And what do I do? I miss the first rehearsal because I didn’t check the calendar. Because I’m my mother. Ack.

      9 hours ago ·

    • Fourth Responder:You are Tevia’s (sp) wife. Oh, I KNOW you hate that. I would be SSSSOOOOOO embarrassed and I know u are too. So sorry.

      9 hours ago ·

    • Third Responder:I’d bet this will garner a good laugh someday, when you’re super-famous :)

      9 hours ago ·

    • Me:Fourth responder,  – I am humiliated. And I did it all to myself. I take it back – my mother did it to me. Stupid genes. I am deeply embarrassed, profoundly upset to let them down on the first freaking night, and ACK. Yes,  I’m playing Golde. And I have the cutest little Russian accent I have been perfecting. And hand gestures! You should see my “from your mouth to God’s ears”. It’s darling! But no one is seeing it tonight, because I somehow thought it was tomorrow. Horrid. Horrid. Horrid.

      9 hours ago ·

    • Me:Will somebody please tell [the director] I NEVER miss rehearsals like that and not to worry that she made a horrible casting decision and that it really was a total mind melt and she can count on me? Because obviously, I can’t be the one to tell her that because I just freaking missed the first rehearsal. I am going to die of embarrassment. WHY is today the 9th? :o (Pardon me, I have to wallow in self loathing now….

      9 hours ago · >

    • Fifth responder:Go ahead and just call her and tell her. That’s what I would want as a director. Tonight.

      9 hours ago ·

    • Sixth Responder:It happens. At least for me, I have a written calendar, and then a mental calendar. Usually, they correspond. Every once in a great while, even when I stare at the written calendar, something doesn’t make it to the mental calendar. Like when I completely missed an appointment for a thyroid ultrasound. You suck it up, apologize, and life has a way of going on.

      9 hours ago ·

    • Seventh Responder:you were missed!

      8 hours ago ·

    • Eighth Responder:Oh Mel, I’m sorry. :( BUT, you’ll never miss another one. I swear. After today, it’s all good!

      8 hours ago · >

    • Even The Dog Weighs In:CODY’S INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: WTF?? I can’t read a f-ing calendar, what’s your excuse??

      6 hours ago ·

    • Me: ‎@4 – I did, I called her before I jumped on here to publicly confess. It was agonizing, I’m sure my message was pure gibberish because I so rarely call in to miss anything that I plain suck at it(she should probably be more upset about the incoherent phone message than my missing the rehearsal). @6 – that is exactly what happened – I totally had the 9th down as Tuesday in my head and I looked at the calendar over the weekend, too. Gah. @7 – that makes me feel… so much worse! lol @ Cody – you never cease to amaze me… you can type, yet not read a calendar. Freak.

      44 minutes ago ·

      (Point of clarification: I love my mother, and it doesn’t really suck that I am becoming her, except insofar as I’d like to hang on to my organizational skills just a little longer.)

      Also, if everything you’ve just read sounds a tad on the melodramatic side bordering on hysterical, just remember that I have been hanging out pretty much non-stop with thirteen teenagers in my head for the past four months, on top of teaching them all day in real life. In that case, you’d get a little dramatic, too.

    • So – there you go. Today’s word is: Self-recrimination. Try using it in a sentence…
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