Tags
dinner conversation, dinner table, family, good parenting, Humor, lifestyle, medieval weaponry, no guns, Pulp Fiction, talking to children at the dinner table
Welcome to Bearunner, our newest subscriber! Jump right in and ignore pretend you don’t see look at but don’t comment on try to enjoy embrace and remark upon the mess!
In my head: We are a really weird family. Really, really weird. I mean, I don’t ever want to be construed as normal, perse, but I think we are transcending the bounds of ordinary weirdness these days, and well on our merry way to Loonville.
In my cup: Oak Hill Cabernet Sauvignon
Currently Playing: Tristania, Rubicon
Daily Run: treadmill intervals, 30 minutes: first 10 @ 5.8 MPH, second 10 @ 6.5 MPH, 2 minutes walking, third 10 @ 6.0 MPH
On the Desk: Mighty Knights and Female Biography Project edits (almost done with this round, whoo-hoo!)
On the nightstand: Dictionary of Alchemical Imagery (do you smell Vestribliss in the air? Because if you do, you’re right!) & “Fiddler” script.
Sometimes, I wonder what normal dinner conversations in normal households sound like.
I’ll share ours, if you share yours. If you consider yourself “normal”, that is. No, wait a minute, you know what? I think I’d be even more interested in hearing from those of you who would NEVER claim “normal” in the slurry of adjectives you use to describe your home life to others. So all of you, normal or not, be sure to tell me how your dinner conversations go.
Here’s ours:
Me: Fallon eat your dinner.
Fallon (DD #2, aged 4): But I don’t ylike chikten. I onylee yike the bwread.
DH: Fallon, Eat. Your. Chicken. Or there won’t BE any more bread.
Anna (DD#1): Yeah, Fallon, I’M eating MY chicken. What’s wrong with you?
Fallon: I don’t ylike chikten. Mommy’s not eating chikten.
Me: Mommy’s a vegetarian. She doesn’t eat meat.*
Fallon: Wewell, maybe I’m a vegetawayian too.
DH: Eat your chicken, Fallon.
Fallon begins playing with her vitamin. She hides it in a piece of bread. Then she pretends to talk on a phone to her sister: “Hewllo? Sissy, you be the powlice, and den you can come and rescue my baby cause see was shooted.”
Me and DH, simultaneously: WHAT?!
Fallon(sniffing a lecture): Noffing.
Me: No, Fallon, what did you just say?
Fallon (blithe tone of voice): I was just pwetending. It’s an invisible dun.
DH: WHAT?!
Me: No! No guns! We don’t DO guns. I’m really not OK with that, Fallon, not even invisible guns! We do not do guns in this house! Ever!
Beat.
Me: I mean, swords. Bows and arrows, they’re fine.
DH: catapults…
Me: trebuchets, yes. Hot pokers….
DH: boiling tar, racks, drawing and quartering –
Me: All, totally acceptable. Yes. Battle axes…
DH: (grinning): splitting people in half with battle axes…
Me: And evisceration! Beheading…. Yes, we are totally OK with all of that. Just. Not. Guns.
DH: So in other words, pretty much any kind of violence that occurred prior to the invention of gunpowder is fine. Got that?
Fallon: (small voice) yes.
(Later) DH to me: But it’s OK if I watch things with guns in them, right?
Me: As long as I’m in bed, asleep, when you’re watching them. Unless it’s Pulp Fiction. If you watch that without me, I’ll be mad.
DH: You know, I haven’t seen that in ages.
Me: I know! Me neither. That’s why I’d be mad if you watched it without me. But otherwise, NO GUNS.
DH: Unless you’re asleep. Got it, got it.
Me: You know, we’re really good parents. Not every home has that “no guns” rule.
DH: And not every four year-old knows about evisceration, either.
Me: Or catapults. We really are the best.
DH: Are you going to bed soon?
Me: Go. Watch the guns.
DH: Thank you! *scampers off***
*Except for bacon. I have not caved in yet, but DH is cooking a lot of bacon these days on his weirdo paleo – stab the beast and bring it back still warm and roast it over a hot flame diet, and damn, it smells good. All I want is a BLT. I dreamed about one last night. One of these days, I’m going to cave, I just know it.
** OK, he’s about 265 pounds, so “scamper” isn’t quite the right word, but it was LIKE a scamper. As much like a scamper as a big guy can muster, anyhow. You get the mental image.
….Watch this space… cool stuff is on its way to the Cauldron….!
(OK, I think it’s cool. You might just find it mildly interesting or amusing. Or dumb and annoying. Whatever. It’s coming, ready or not.)
That’s my criteria for movie watching, too. Pre-gun powder ok, guns and such, nope. Bring on the trebuchets and rapiers!
Rapiers! I forgot rapiers! *facepalm*. Great, just great. Here I was all excited because I was being such a good Mommy, and now I have to go to bed feeling the guilt of having completely missed an entire category of possible non-guns violence. I’ll never be able to hold my head up in front of the other mothers at the next Girl Scouts meeting….
On the other hand, look up: ashleyjillian “liked” this post. If you have not checked out her blog, I recommend it: VERY funny. Also, between that and Jenny “The Bloggess”‘s visit the other day, I’m a little beside myself. It’s an embarrassment of riches. I’m going to have to take a pill and lie down now. But only one, because I had a glass of wine and I don’t want to end up on some Oprahnetwork special
with the other “I accidentally swallowed a whole bottle of pills after I accidentally drank the bottle of wine” Mommies. I have novels to complete!
Just one question … you said: “cool stuff is on its way to the Cauldron.” To the Cauldron or is that from the Cauldron? Damn, I wish that I had had dinner with you folks. I’d have snuck the little one’s chicken and she could had had the gargantuan bag of popcorn that I just inhaled. I thin that I would feel a bit better with a couple of pieces of chicken in my belly. You are a HOOT!
Hmn, I hadn’t considered that one, but I guess we shall say FROM the Cauldron, because that’s a cooler mental image.
)
Alas, DD#2 dopes not like popcorn, although the elder one would gladly trade pretty much anything except pizza for it! lol
Thank you so much for finding me funny, instead of weirdly disturbing. It’s such a nice change of pace. ;op
LMAO!!! Omg that is HILARIOUS!!! Gawd, I am reading some seriously funny stuff today >D
I’m glad you are enjoying yourself! Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment and let me know that my general flinging of my writing into the Universe ended up striking someone in a positive way.
)
Haha my pleasure!!
omg ….i have had that same conversation, constantly
wow..lol did you mic my house?
No way. You’re lying. Or, you mic’d our house… Stalker.
(That was a joke, in case you just decided I was really crazy for calling you a stalker.)
(But then again, if you’re also having conversations at the dinner table with your four- and seven- year olds about trebuchets and beheadings as acceptable forms of violence, you would be the sort who thought that was really funny shit anyhow.)